It’s called a “supernormal stimulus”. You look surprised that a woman who looks like me would know such big words! Or maybe something else has all your attention.

See, it’s a fascinating concept. There are birds, for example, where the chicks peck a red spot on the parent’s bill to signal the parent to regurgitate food for them. So there was this experiment where chicks were presented with models resembling the parent’s head and beak, and with a big red stick.

And then the scientists—no, it’s fine, just pull it out and start stroking, it’ll help prove my point—then the scientists monitored how the chicks pecked at each of these models. And, basically, it was all the same except when they got to the red stick. With the red stick, the chicks pecked a lot faster.

Isn’t that strange? The point is, they preferred the artificial stimulus to the real one, and that’s exactly what’s happening right now, with you. And my breasts.

There was another study, see, that showed surgically-augmented breasts are more attractive than naturals, even huge naturals. Isn’t that weird? It’s because the fakes are supernormal, they’re an exaggerated stimulus, and so they provoke a disproportional response.

What this all means for you and for me is, I pull down my bra and massage the ladies, here, and you turn into a drooling, jerking mess, ready to do whatever I want. And after that lecture, what I want is a drink—go to the kitchen and get me a sparkling water over ice, and then we’ll have a serious discussion about the contents of your wallet.