Who Wants To Know?

Feb 21 2023
posts // comments

While rebuilding my site, I chose to unpublish a handful of blog posts. Most of what I publish here is smut—short or long kinky erotic fiction. Once in a while I’ve written a post that was about me, and more substantive than “I’m horny and want to hypnotize you / be hypnotized.”

Those posts are me being vulnerable, talking about how I feel about my kink and my practice thereof. How I feel about relationships of various kinds, and my own experiences or inadequacies.

I took them down because rebuilding my site coincided with some painful things that made me feel too vulnerable, and being exposed on the internet was suddenly the last thing I wanted. I wanted to erase all trace of my existence, I wanted to evaporate.

This is not an entirely uncommon feeling.

But, my partner told me the other day that, when we were first dating and I started revealing my kinky side to her, she read some of those posts and it helped her trust me. My writing gave her more insight into who I was (am).

So… do I want to give the world insight into who I am?

I’ve written about having kink playmates, and that’s a weird sort of relationship, where it’s less intimate than my relationship with a person I’d call my “partner”, but way more intimate than just friends.

And these posts are sort of the same weird animal, where they’re almost as raw and revealing as what I’d write in my journal, but they’re out here on the internet. A person who wants to get to know me can read them, and know me a little more deeply. Is that what I want?

It depends.

I’d say some very important relationships have come from having parts of my kinky side exposed on the internet. Relationships, and experiences, I never would have had if I just hid in a cave.

On the other hand, sometimes… especially when being known, being vulnerable, being intimate causes pain…

Sometimes I just want to unpublish myself. Just disappear.

Current status? Unknown.

Then again, if you’re reading this… vulnerability probably won, this time.

Tagged ,