Sometimes I wonder if I could be a good “top”.
See, I’m switchy. That doesn’t even really cover it, actually: “switchy” kind of suggests I might like switching sometimes. No. I need to be submissive. And I also need to be dominant. Yeah, I have a given mood at a given time, one or the other. But I can’t go long without submitting to someone or dominating someone.
I might just live for power exchange. I don’t know; I’ve spent too much of my life feeling like such desires were badwrong, I’m still figuring out how to integrate them.
Like anyone else, I guess, I’m susceptible to envy. When I see people with a strong D/s dynamic, it often makes me pine for my own. When a submissive expresses their submission in some wonderful way, a little part of me feels like, I wish it were me making them feel like that.
That’s where the insecurity comes in: can you really be a good top if you spend half your time craving submission? Can you be a good sub if you keep needing to get up off your knees so you can fasten a collar of your own around someone’s neck?
I don’t have the slightest idea if non-monogamy would work for me in the long run, but I will say what’s appealing about it is it wouldn’t limit me to only those partners who are exactly as switchy as I am. Sure, that could be amazing: being both a dom and a sub to the same person, but... what are the chances?
Increasingly, I’m convinced that, and it sounds kind of simplistic or too-cute to say it this way, what gets me off is getting you off.
That would explain why I like writing erotica so much. Making recordings, sharing bits of my sexuality with the whole world instead of just keeping it to myself and my one, monogamous partner like society has been telling me I should my whole life.
I don’t think keeping my sexuality quiet works for me, and I’m trying to be okay with that fact. Then, I’m trying to figure out what to do with it. How to live my life in a way that aligns with these particular values.
Someday... I want to drop to my knees at someone’s command, and stroke when they tell me, and repeat their words as I become more and more brainwashed. And then have them tell me what a good, obedient pet I am. How much they thrive on my submission... and how wet it makes them.
And also, I want to own someone, body and mind. I want them to ask me what colour underwear they should put on today, and I want them to ask me if they can touch themselves, and I want them to tell me they edged but didn’t cum, like a good puppet, because they know that sacrificing their orgasms to me gives me pleasure.
And I want to tell them what a good, obedient pet they are, and I want them to tell me how they thrive on my control... and how wet it makes them.
Getting what we need from each other sure can be complicated. And what I find is, the most complicated part is just understanding, accepting, and communicating what those needs actually are.