You know, it just this moment coalesced for me, just what it is turns me on and off about potential partners on either the dom or sub part of the spectrum.

I like being controlled, but I dislike the attitude—so prevalent in the clips4sale femdom crowd, for example—of being an object of scorn. I don’t like “female1 supremacy”, I don’t like humiliation, I don’t like being made to feel lesser even as I’m made to feel submissive or even objectified.

And I like to control, but I dislike the “hi do u hypontize” attitude where a person is basically using me like a trance dispenser, like an interactive MC story, I could be anyone, they just want to get off.

And I have a pretty good sense when someone’s doing that, because I’ve done it plenty of times myself. I’m not proud of ‘em.

Now, what just occurred to me is WHY these two paradigms turn me off so much, and it comes down to this: on either side of the watch, even without a watch, I get off on being wanted. This has taken me a long, long time to realize.

When I control someone, I want them to want me; I want them to crave my control, to need my words, the perverse and erotic things I say to ensnare their will. I want them to want ME, not just the sensation of being controlled.

When I’m controlled by someone, I want them to want me; I want them to see me as a prize to be conquered, I want them to want MY submission, not just the sensation of being submitted to.

And both of those things are difficult, let’s be honest, difficult to cultivate especially in the anonymous world of online kink. And that makes the spark of a real connection all the more precious.

I read this and part me of thinks I’ve just stepped up and boldly announced the sky is blue, but these thoughts just swirled into clarity for me, maybe they’ll resonate with you, too.

2019-11-12 Note: This is one of the few posts where I’d say it’s worth actually going and looking at the Tumblr version, because there were a lot of great replies to it.

2020-01-12 Note: Edited slightly for clarity and emphasis.

  1. or <insert gender here>, but since I’m cismale and straight, this is the version that applies to me.