Wanting to Be Wanted

Nov 28 2017
Last update: Mar 8 2023
posts // comments

You know, it just this moment coalesced for me what turns me on and off about potential partners on either the dom or sub part of the spectrum.

I like being controlled, but I don’t like being an object of scorn. I don’t like “female1 supremacy”, I don’t like humiliation, I don’t like being made to feel lesser even as I’m made to feel submissive or even objectified.

(No shade on people who do like those things, or the talented and hard-working creators who cater to them. Vive le difference! I’m only describing my own relationship to submission.)

And I like to control, but I dislike the “hi do u hypontize” attitude with which many subs approach, where a person is basically using me like a trance dispenser, like an interactive MC story; I could be anyone, they just want to get off.

And I have a pretty good sense when someone’s doing that, because I’ve done it plenty of times myself. I’m not proud of ‘em.

Now, what just occurred to me is WHY these two paradigms turn me off so much, and it comes down to this: on either side of the watch, even without a watch, I get off on being wanted. This has taken me a long, long time to realize.

When I control someone, I want them to want me; I want them to crave my control, to need my words, the perverse and erotic things I say to ensnare their will. I want them to want ME, not just the sensation of being controlled.

When I’m controlled by someone, I want them to want me; I want them to see me as a prize to be conquered, I want them to want MY submission, not just the sensation of being submitted to.

And both of those things are difficult to cultivate, especially in the anonymous world of online kink. And that makes the spark of a real connection all the more precious.

I read this and part me of thinks I’ve just stepped up and boldly announced the sky is blue. But these thoughts just swirled into clarity for me—perhaps you’ll find they resonate.

  1. or <insert gender here> supremacy, but since I’m cismale and straight, this is the version that applies for the purpose of this post. 

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